My Life As a Boy
by BuckCub
My name is Teddy. I am a boy.
Like some of you, I'm a novice -- I've been circling around the edges of the scene for a couple of years now, and about a year ago I screwed up my courage to take the plunge into BDSM and D/s. It wasn't as hard as I feared it might be -- but it wasn't as easy as I hoped it would be.
My first, and worst, struggle was dealing with my own internalized idea of BDSM as "sick" practices that only weird, slightly-crazy people indulged in. I'm the product of a very white-bread well-to-do upbringing. My parents were fairly liberal people, but things like BDSM were simply not subjects for polite discussion! Yet even as a teenager, I was excited by such themes in books and films: I'd get erections that were almost painful watching a movie where bank guards were bound and gagged during a robbery. I went to see one of Wes Craven's "Nightmare On Elm Street" films, where a P.E. coach is dragged into the showers, stripped naked, and tied to the showerhead by invisible hands -- then towels fly off the towel shelf and snap him repeatedly on the bare ass while he yelps and yowls at every snap. I actually had to leave the theater, because I came in my jeans watching that sequence!
These feelings disturbed and upset me; I thought that "normal" people didn't get aroused by such things. I thought I must be a "sicko" as my parents and their friends labeled such people. It's important to understand that they felt this way despite what many would consider extremely liberal attitudes toward sexuality; I came out as gay to my parents when I was only seventeen and aside from a few months of initial concern, they and my five straight brothers accepted my sexuality without any overt problems. But I have never "come out" to my family as a boy/sub; to them, the BDSM and D/s scene is simply something that is not a valid or viable choice for "decent" people. This is the mental standpoint with which I faced dealing with my needs, and joining the scene.
Unfortunately, many people in our society have this negative view of BDSM, and many of us who want to get into the scene may be held back by our own internalized fear and unease about these practices. This is a conformist society, and anything "different" or "alien" makes us uncomfortable. For me, and I suspect for many others as well, it was that discomfort that held me back (for too long!) from joining a community in which I could get some very deep needs fulfilled, and realize my sexuality fully.
At 22, I made an important decision -- to leave the insulated suburbs and move to the "big city." The Internet was only a "someday soon" dream concept at that time, and the only way for a novice to get into BDSM culture was to go to an urban area where it was more openly available. I'd made "field trips" to the leather bars in New York and Baltimore, and what I saw in those bars excited me and frightened me at the same time. I moved to Philadelphia -- smaller and more staid than Manhattan, bigger and less dangerous than Baltimore. And I was surprised.
I didn't know at the time that a "new face" is always welcome, and it helped somewhat that I was goodlooking in a "twink" way because I initially gravitated to the dance clubs. Yet I found those same looks -- and the style of dress that goes with them -- are often an actual handicap in BDSM circles. Shortly after, I became aware of both an entrenched "bear" community, and a large but often-invisible BDSM community in the city. Still staying on the fringes of the scene, I cultivated the leathermen and leather-bears who occasionally visited the dance bars. From them, I learned who the well-known, respected players in the BDSM scene were, and where and when these people congregated.
I made a lot of the common mistakes. I bought black leather jeans, biker boots, a motorcycle jacket -- and looked, unfortunately, like a kid playing "dress-up" in his dad's riding leathers. Leather is more than a costume; it's an attitude, and I wasn't yet comfortable with the attitude -- and it showed. A helpful "bear" suggested I grow a beard, and that did help at least to tone down my boyish appearance. And as I wore the leather more frequently, I grew more comfortable with it and less self-conscious.
Believe me, people -- there are a lot of jerks out there, but there are also a lot of longtime BDSM players, both men and women, who still remember when THEY were novices, and are willing to help out someone new to the scene.
Well, let me cut to the chase. For a while, I remained on the edges of the scene, watching, reading, lusting. A casual pick-up introduced me to being spanked, which is my absolute favorite turn-on -- surprising (to me at least!) because I had never been spanked as a child. Then one night about a year ago, I met a man who initially tried to pick me up for a scene. I told him, honestly, that I was almost a complete novice. Unlike some of the men to whom I'd admitted my novice status, he was understanding and took the time to explain that he was still interested, and would take me into the world of BDSM at a pace he believed I could accept. I knew him by reputation only; he was a frequent visitor to my city, but he'd been part of the scene in San Francisco for nearly thirty years. Still, my fear and distrust overwhelmed my desire to be with this commanding man. I asked hesitantly if we could talk about it, and he agreed. We had several dinners together during which I asked the many questions I had: If I got really freaked-out during a scene, would he stop? (He explained the concept of the "safe word" to me and assured me repeatedly that he would always honor it -- if I uttered the "safe word" during a scene, it would IMMEDIATELY come to an end.) Would he be disappointed if I stopped a scene or declined to do something he wanted to do, and as a result not see me anymore? He assured me that he understood I was a novice, and that he was willing to proceed slowly and even expected some setbacks as I discovered my own limits, but he would help me to find, explore, and expand my limits at a sensible pace. I began to feel more and more trusting and comfortable with this man. He also introduced me fully to the "Daddy/boy" lifestyle, which I discovered I enjoy immensely. As a sub, I needed a framework to express my submission -- and being his boy felt very right to me.
TRUST is the key issue that enabled me to overcome my fears and become a part of the scene where I could get my deepest and most intimate needs fulfilled. A big part of that trust, I am learning, is trusting myself as well as the Dom/top. My "Daddy Bear" takes his time, goes slowly, and reassures me when I need to be reassured. Without that trust, I might still be circling the edges of BDSM.
Since I stopped letting my fear stand in the way of what I want and need, my life has become more rewarding and fulfilled. If you're a novice too, let go of your fear. That fear is what's keeping the door to a richer, fuller, more completely realized life locked. There is nothing to be afraid of! With the Internet now connecting people all over the world, it's easier than ever to find information, answers, and help in joining the BDSM D/s scene. Why not just stop being afraid -- and do it?
"Buckcub":http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/1479/index.html {Ted Snyder} is a 35-year-old gay man and BDSM 'boy' novice living and working in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. A journalist and columnist, Buckcub's work has previously appeared in the Bucks County Courier-Times, the Doylestown Intelligencer, the Montgomery County Record, and the Philadelphia (PA) gay weekly Au Courant. Buckcub's M/m BDSM erotica is archived on the Internet.
Like some of you, I'm a novice -- I've been circling around the edges of the scene for a couple of years now, and about a year ago I screwed up my courage to take the plunge into BDSM and D/s. It wasn't as hard as I feared it might be -- but it wasn't as easy as I hoped it would be.
My first, and worst, struggle was dealing with my own internalized idea of BDSM as "sick" practices that only weird, slightly-crazy people indulged in. I'm the product of a very white-bread well-to-do upbringing. My parents were fairly liberal people, but things like BDSM were simply not subjects for polite discussion! Yet even as a teenager, I was excited by such themes in books and films: I'd get erections that were almost painful watching a movie where bank guards were bound and gagged during a robbery. I went to see one of Wes Craven's "Nightmare On Elm Street" films, where a P.E. coach is dragged into the showers, stripped naked, and tied to the showerhead by invisible hands -- then towels fly off the towel shelf and snap him repeatedly on the bare ass while he yelps and yowls at every snap. I actually had to leave the theater, because I came in my jeans watching that sequence!
These feelings disturbed and upset me; I thought that "normal" people didn't get aroused by such things. I thought I must be a "sicko" as my parents and their friends labeled such people. It's important to understand that they felt this way despite what many would consider extremely liberal attitudes toward sexuality; I came out as gay to my parents when I was only seventeen and aside from a few months of initial concern, they and my five straight brothers accepted my sexuality without any overt problems. But I have never "come out" to my family as a boy/sub; to them, the BDSM and D/s scene is simply something that is not a valid or viable choice for "decent" people. This is the mental standpoint with which I faced dealing with my needs, and joining the scene.
Unfortunately, many people in our society have this negative view of BDSM, and many of us who want to get into the scene may be held back by our own internalized fear and unease about these practices. This is a conformist society, and anything "different" or "alien" makes us uncomfortable. For me, and I suspect for many others as well, it was that discomfort that held me back (for too long!) from joining a community in which I could get some very deep needs fulfilled, and realize my sexuality fully.
At 22, I made an important decision -- to leave the insulated suburbs and move to the "big city." The Internet was only a "someday soon" dream concept at that time, and the only way for a novice to get into BDSM culture was to go to an urban area where it was more openly available. I'd made "field trips" to the leather bars in New York and Baltimore, and what I saw in those bars excited me and frightened me at the same time. I moved to Philadelphia -- smaller and more staid than Manhattan, bigger and less dangerous than Baltimore. And I was surprised.
I didn't know at the time that a "new face" is always welcome, and it helped somewhat that I was goodlooking in a "twink" way because I initially gravitated to the dance clubs. Yet I found those same looks -- and the style of dress that goes with them -- are often an actual handicap in BDSM circles. Shortly after, I became aware of both an entrenched "bear" community, and a large but often-invisible BDSM community in the city. Still staying on the fringes of the scene, I cultivated the leathermen and leather-bears who occasionally visited the dance bars. From them, I learned who the well-known, respected players in the BDSM scene were, and where and when these people congregated.
I made a lot of the common mistakes. I bought black leather jeans, biker boots, a motorcycle jacket -- and looked, unfortunately, like a kid playing "dress-up" in his dad's riding leathers. Leather is more than a costume; it's an attitude, and I wasn't yet comfortable with the attitude -- and it showed. A helpful "bear" suggested I grow a beard, and that did help at least to tone down my boyish appearance. And as I wore the leather more frequently, I grew more comfortable with it and less self-conscious.
Believe me, people -- there are a lot of jerks out there, but there are also a lot of longtime BDSM players, both men and women, who still remember when THEY were novices, and are willing to help out someone new to the scene.
Well, let me cut to the chase. For a while, I remained on the edges of the scene, watching, reading, lusting. A casual pick-up introduced me to being spanked, which is my absolute favorite turn-on -- surprising (to me at least!) because I had never been spanked as a child. Then one night about a year ago, I met a man who initially tried to pick me up for a scene. I told him, honestly, that I was almost a complete novice. Unlike some of the men to whom I'd admitted my novice status, he was understanding and took the time to explain that he was still interested, and would take me into the world of BDSM at a pace he believed I could accept. I knew him by reputation only; he was a frequent visitor to my city, but he'd been part of the scene in San Francisco for nearly thirty years. Still, my fear and distrust overwhelmed my desire to be with this commanding man. I asked hesitantly if we could talk about it, and he agreed. We had several dinners together during which I asked the many questions I had: If I got really freaked-out during a scene, would he stop? (He explained the concept of the "safe word" to me and assured me repeatedly that he would always honor it -- if I uttered the "safe word" during a scene, it would IMMEDIATELY come to an end.) Would he be disappointed if I stopped a scene or declined to do something he wanted to do, and as a result not see me anymore? He assured me that he understood I was a novice, and that he was willing to proceed slowly and even expected some setbacks as I discovered my own limits, but he would help me to find, explore, and expand my limits at a sensible pace. I began to feel more and more trusting and comfortable with this man. He also introduced me fully to the "Daddy/boy" lifestyle, which I discovered I enjoy immensely. As a sub, I needed a framework to express my submission -- and being his boy felt very right to me.
TRUST is the key issue that enabled me to overcome my fears and become a part of the scene where I could get my deepest and most intimate needs fulfilled. A big part of that trust, I am learning, is trusting myself as well as the Dom/top. My "Daddy Bear" takes his time, goes slowly, and reassures me when I need to be reassured. Without that trust, I might still be circling the edges of BDSM.
Since I stopped letting my fear stand in the way of what I want and need, my life has become more rewarding and fulfilled. If you're a novice too, let go of your fear. That fear is what's keeping the door to a richer, fuller, more completely realized life locked. There is nothing to be afraid of! With the Internet now connecting people all over the world, it's easier than ever to find information, answers, and help in joining the BDSM D/s scene. Why not just stop being afraid -- and do it?
About the Author
"Buckcub":http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/1479/index.html {Ted Snyder} is a 35-year-old gay man and BDSM 'boy' novice living and working in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. A journalist and columnist, Buckcub's work has previously appeared in the Bucks County Courier-Times, the Doylestown Intelligencer, the Montgomery County Record, and the Philadelphia (PA) gay weekly Au Courant. Buckcub's M/m BDSM erotica is archived on the Internet.
